Buddhist psychology describes the so-called Eight Worldly Dharmas. Sometimes expressed as the Eight Worldly Concerns, they are: Pleasure and pain; fame and disgrace; praise and blame; gain and loss. We want the former and eschew the latter. Of course!
But maybe there is a little more to it.
Chasing a desired outcome seems logical enough except when the chase intensifies into preoccupation, greed and even obsession. And eschewing undesired conditions is likewise reasonable, except when the push becomes frantic, aggressive and harmful. The worldly concerns are potent elixirs that hook us into rapacity for more or desperation for less. We become insatiable for one. And we hate the other.
Attachment to outcomes wanted or unwanted is worth investigating. Circumstances forever come our way and with circumstance comes concern. Just noticing conditions might better suit us rather than concerned clinging (or averting) in relation to them. Imagine noticing pleasure, fame, praise and gain without attaching to those experiences. Further imagine a mindfulness over pain, disgrace, blame, and loss without frenetic pushing away.
We could feel the essence of these qualities as they pass. No holding on; no pushing way. No apathy either. Fully engaged. Fully letting go. As in the Prayer: to dwell in the great equanimity, free from grasping, averting and indifference.
What’s important? That which we value. And reflecting on values is time well spent!
Mindfulness allows for an understanding of priorities in mind/heart and behavior. When these match up it is called values synchrony. And when they are discrepant, values asynchrony. Sometimes there are surprises:
Valuing peace but habituated to conflict. Believing in honesty, but resorting to people pleasing fibs. Valuing integrity, but failing to root out self-deception. Desiring an open mind only to find it shutting down when challenged. Confusing compassion with toxic codependency. These discrepancies invite us to figure things out…and grow.
As individuals form couples, the challenges multiply. Interestingly, many courtships and early friendships over focus on amusement with nary a conversation on what each person truly believes and values.
Beyond the infatuation stage, emergent conflicts may be rooted in those values- that were never discussed. Weekends can become a tug of war on what to do and when, as couples fail to notice different and strongly held beliefs about work, leisure, ambition and relaxation. What happens when one person values adventure over security, when the other holds the opposite view?
Couples often make children and larger families, and when their shared values are in synch these values become the rules, rituals and responsibilities providing the necessary structure to build a family. But conflicting values can promote disagreement, double binds and inconsistency in family operations. One parent says right while the other says wrong. Children become confused and may learn to game the system, pitting parents against each other. Some moms and dads give up and give in to an overly permissive approach. Others resort to authoritarian and rigid controls. The kids from these families suffer the consequences.
So why not take a mindful approach to assessing values now? Notice how mind/heart and behavior are in synch, or not. Seek to understand the values of people important to you. Celebrating common values is no more important than understanding differences. And accepting both.
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