We all know about behavior modification and kids: reward behavior we like and ignore undesirable behavior. Right?
Not so fast! Who has not heard of (or been) the parent claiming the scientific principles of behaviorism just don’t work! Repeated scoldings only seems to make things worse and parent provided rewards have no effect at all.
Well, a primary point on behaviorism might be just how terrible many of us are at applying these principles in our own lives. What follows is not a primer on behavioral interventions, but a guide to how we might think a little more mindfully about behavior, and act with greater clarity and intention.
This basic review will eschew some the complexities of behavioral applications. It will not entertain important strategies for negative reinforcement, shaping or behavioral contracting. We shall not consider behavioral rehearsal or task analysis. Instead, let us consider three points hinted at in the introductory paragraphs: positive reinforcement, punishment and extinction. Positive reinforcement simply says that behavior followed by a rewarding stimulus is more likely to be repeated. Punishment provides an aversive circumstance that will have the effect of decreasing behavior. Extinction (sometimes in the form of ignoring) states that withholding rewards previously associated with a behavior will make recurrence less likely…by definition.
Yes, by definition. That means that when we follow a behavior with a consequence we believe to be rewarding, and that behavior does not increase then it is not positive reinforcement–no matter what we think. Try some false praise of a teenager who feels it is meaningless and watch the so-called reward just drip into insignificance.
Similarly, we could believe down to our marrow that scolding a young child for a tantrum is big punishment and will surely suppress outbursts in the future. But if the undesired behavior increases then our so-called punishment was none other than positive reinforcement.
Now the deeper problem here is not the actions or interventions—it is our (errant) belief about them. That so-called reward was not a reward and that so-called punishment was not a punishment. And yet we wrongly assert them over and over again. While often attributed to Albert Einstein (who did not coin the phrase), this certainly applies: “the definition of insanity is when we keep doing things the same way, and expect different results”. The self-reflective parent might note that the repeated, failed scoldings are irrational, and mostly just parental feel-good catharsis. With that type of frustration with a child, we oughta try chopping firewood instead!
What about the third term, extinction? You already know that this has nothing to do with some apocalyptic fate for the tantruming child. Extinction principles suggest that, if a meltdown is rewarded by parental scolding, then withholding scolds should fade out tantrums…eventually.
But how long? Well it could take awhile. For attention seeking behavior this is often a winner, if we can keep our cool. Patience! But there is a little twist. One way to know for sure that we are on the right path is that the situation could get a lot worse in a hurry. Called an extinction burst, the little tantrumer will tantrum all the more in desperation to secure that desired scolding-attention. For parents, this has been likened to an Inferno and it may drive them back into even harsher reprimands-i.e. more rewards for the kiddo. So persevere through infernos, purgatories, and on to peace and paradiso! Of course, little ones need and deserve attention and parents should teach them alternative prosocial ways to request it. One child said simply, mommy, I need some attention.
Besides intentional ignoring there is also the accidental kind. This is so common it is painful. After all, we are surrounded by tiny to big to bigger behaviors we like every day. Blessings! And too often we don’t notice, or notice but don’t acknowledge them. Slowly those behaviors vanish.
You probably have already guessed that these misunderstandings can apply not just to parents and kids, but to everyone, everywhere.
We ignore the kindnesses coming our way, and we give a scowl or grimace to stuff we don’t want in our lives. So we get in return, less of the former and more of the latter.
Instead, we could wake-up and challenge ourselves to notice these mixed-up contingencies and dispel our illusions about them. Imagine voicing appreciation for actions we like and letting go of the stuff that bugs us. If our mindful assessment is correct, that might just result in people treating us a little more as we would prefer to be treated as well.
Golden, that rule.
