Dr. Bob's Blog

Down off one side of the levee flows Potato Slough where mud swallows glide and blue herons pause in stillness upon the shore. On the other side, the landside just below, there is a playground with a massive jumping balloon trampoline. Not much gliding or pausing there—only shrieks of delight and whoops of laughter amongst a massive tangle of kids on the loose; maybe a tangled baker’s dozen or more. Onlookers experience an instant appreciative joy: a joy for their joy. Lingering is irresistible; pull up a piece of levee dirt, plop down and gaze. There is a lot to notice.

For the middle aged adult and older, it might be the sheer energy of these school-aged kids that is most stunning: perpetual and tireless motion, utter physicality.  Each youngster is intimately connected to their own body-in-space…and feeling pretty darn good about it. Jumping, bending, bouncing, sliding like little Olympians with a countenance of confidence.  Not a few of them, we might guess, are proud!

The astute onlooker reflects that this proudness of skilled movement is really something pretty special, and present from the start. As the toddler toddles into standing or the preschooler hopscotches or follows the leader, young minds and bodies begin to work their concurrent magic. Through the childhood years it is the magic of autonomy, and then initiative and then a skillful competence. It is the magic and fluidity of proudness bestowed upon the child’s mastery of movement in the world around them.

It seems that proudness co-arises with skillfulness.

The reader is invited to revisit the kid-dom of their past. Remember? The skillsets of childhood and proudness express in the physical domain but are not limited to bodily pursuits. School occupies a central role in childhood so developing academic-cognitive skills is likewise a focal point. And the so-called society of childhood emphasizes the myriad of social skills necessary to navigate interpersonal and group demands…much to be proud of. For most mammals, early capability is the rule of thumb–think of the foal that stands and walks in short order. But a human born baby initiates an incapable, unskilled vulnerability that is only remediated with nearly 20 years of skill building. For this prodigious task, proudness was invented!

Another thing. Besides proudness at competence, there is one more ingredient to this recipe: egocentricity.  Kids and teens innately focus on themselves and their own viewpoint. Not selfish, this natural preoccupation is the lens through which proudness and skill-building shines. The childhood experience has been called egocentric for good reason. Kids need to focus on themselves and developing their own skills across domains (physical, cognitive, psychosocial) in preparation for adult life. Proudness inspires various competencies for a lifetime. Egocentricity is but a visitor; a necessary focus on me and my skillfulness that is timed to disappear into the collective demands of the adult world.

Egocentricity co-arises (temporarily) with proudness.

The development of proud skill building, while quite natural, tends to encounter disruptions, small and large. A school challenge with cursive writing (do they still teach that?) could depress proudness as could a few soccer miskicks. Not to worry, genuine proudness does not deny failure but reframes it. So called errors ride the deep undercurrent of proudness, enabling the child to learn and try again. And again.

Genuine proudness is not big on bolster up comparisons to the lesser skilled kid. Some children (and parents) become obsessed with comparison and being the best, superbia. It is sometimes proffered that all sins emanate from this kind of pride. The famed English Poet and Playwright wrote of that hubristic Doctor:

“Till, swoll’n with cunning of a self conceit,
His waxen wings did mount above his reach
And melting, heavens conspired his overthrow”.

The problem is not solved by misguided adult attempts to foster self-esteem with those waxen wings molded into participation Trophies. Like better-than-you comparisons, these Cups are an invitation to as good-as-you egotism. In fact, some research demonstrates that certain “esteem building” programs deprive children of necessary feedback on their failures while promoting an inflated, inaccurate self-concept. Wings of wax be gone!

Genuine proudness honors and accepts strengths and weaknesses for self and others in route to accepting both. There are celebrations of mastery, and attention to those missteps. Sometimes errors are met with try again remediation, sometimes compensation and sometimes… just letting go. Most importantly each failure is a gift that contributes to the ally of proudness, humility.

Natural humility through childhood goes hand in hand with the experience of proudness. Somehow children come to know both their skills and their limits. After all, even the most skilled of children have real and not infrequent experiences of coming up short, even outright failure. This natural consequence teaches the lesson of humility through these disappointments—wise adults do not try to take real failures away from children.

Humility, the ally to proudness, is the enemy of pride.

Pride is skill building gone wrong. While some failure is instructive and builds resilience, too much failure fosters feelings of inferiority. Unresolved emotions of shame and guilt add to the affliction. Without adequate support and guidance, battered proudness hardens and solidifies into its opposite, pride. Lucifer’s sin. No longer a fluid and natural force, it rigidifies into artifice and armor.

While proudness is associated with autonomy, initiative and competence, pride is vain recoupment for shame, guilt and inferiority. These are failures not of the child but of families and communities and societies. The prideful child compensates for these inadequacies. They are “big shots” and sometimes bullies. Without help these victims may become victimizers. Hardened egocentricity may become narcissism and worse.

What becomes of these children? Perhaps you have already guessed–they are us.

Here an apology must be issued for the black and white portrayals of proud and pride herein presented. For most of us adults these qualities seem to be intermingled through the lifespan. All are invited to self-assess, everyday. A variation on mindfulness: how and when am I proud?; how and when am I prideful? Discernment here takes practice. The earnest adult seeker notices both proudness and pride, creating space for the former and not indulging the latter.

Remembering one’s failures and especially one’s humiliations with self-compassion is a worthwhile contemplation and remedy. This practice shrinks pride and revives proudness with a fresh humility. Caution: reviewing humiliations with self-loathing only deepens the wound and fosters egoic rumination, yet another layer of pride.

So there is much to do on behalf of children to foster proudness. And it is no less important for any of the rest of us. It is hoped that you, the reader, have retained that proudness which is innate and your birthright.

Go find a playground and celebrate!