What’s important? That which we value. And reflecting on values is time well spent!


Mindfulness allows for an understanding of priorities in mind/heart and behavior. When these match up it is called values synchrony. And when they are discrepant, values asynchrony. Sometimes there are surprises:


Valuing peace but habituated to conflict. Believing in honesty, but resorting to people pleasing fibs. Valuing integrity, but failing to root out self-deception. Desiring an open mind only to find it shutting down when challenged. Confusing compassion with toxic codependency. These discrepancies invite us to figure things out…and grow.


As individuals form couples, the challenges multiply. Interestingly, many courtships and early friendships over focus on amusement with nary a conversation on what each person truly believes and values.

Beyond the infatuation stage, emergent conflicts may be rooted in those values- that were never discussed. Weekends can become a tug of war on what to do and when, as couples fail to notice different and strongly held beliefs about work, leisure, ambition and relaxation. What happens when one person values adventure over security, when the other holds the opposite view?


Couples often make children and larger families, and when their shared values are in synch these values become the rules, rituals and responsibilities providing the necessary structure to build a family. But conflicting values can promote disagreement, double binds and inconsistency in family operations. One parent says right while the other says wrong. Children become confused and may learn to game the system, pitting parents against each other. Some moms and dads give up and give in to an overly permissive approach. Others resort to authoritarian and rigid controls. The kids from these families suffer the consequences.


So why not take a mindful approach to assessing values now? Notice how mind/heart and behavior are in synch, or not. Seek to understand the values of people important to you. Celebrating common values is no more important than understanding differences. And accepting both.