(Note: At the airport, flying to see a dear friend in Hospice…then at the Gate, word came in that he had just passed away.)
Airport skies heavy, dark. Embarking planes rise, and so dies and rises my dear friend and brother.
The rain will come behind these tears. Brokenhearted tears; grateful tears: His fears of endless awful life allayed by a final breath.
Keeping death close. And weeping at the Seattle/Tacoma Gate, a perfect, fated synchronicity. Airport anonymity. Tears at the A-12 Gate, this gateless Gate, this gone beyond:
Children talk it up when seeking a path out of responsibility, post-infraction. There flows a river of forgetting, not-knowing (the rule), blaming others, and all manner of excuses based on “the dog ate my homework”. Our social order necessitates life lessons to ameliorate this universal shortcoming. Sometimes scoldings and punishment seem like the reasonable intervention. And sometimes they are.
But if we fail to kindly take the child’s side as we deliver a strong life lesson, the negative affect is retained and the lesson is lost. Think of it this way: loss of a driving privilege may be the ideal consequence for breaking curfew with the family car. But if delivered with parental anger and attitude, there is no learning except “my parents are jerks (or a more colorful expletive)”. Besides, when delivering an agreed upon (think “behavioral contract”) punishment, there is no better time to take the kid’s side: “I am sorry you got home so late: no driving this weekend but you get a fresh start next week and i know you can do better”. After all, in a family shouldn’t we all be on each others side?
Of course, too often we are crazed in opposition to each other. We over-ameliorate irresponsibility, this very human flaw.
Parents blame children for these derelictions. Think of it: a child blames a sibling, then a parent blames the child for wrongly blaming a sibling. The immature schema of blame is never replaced by its mature alternative, responsibility. The starting point of this essay.
When blame dominates a family system, self-blame is inevitable. Unkind punishments from without become self-attacks from within: I am bad, no good, unworthy, even worthless. Ruminations tear at us and tear down ego-structure. We develop mistrust, shame, doubt, guilt, inferiority, and overwhelming confusion. In this instance, personal responsibility fades into the distance as self-blame gobbles up the territory of our everyday life. Children (and adults) become self-piteous, powerless excuse-makers.
Instead, lessons of responsibility are better taught as empowerments: the ability to respond to circumstance. Those lessons run deep and deserve a family dialog that illuminates the causes and effects of our mistakes, even (and especially) those with harm done. No blame. After all, there are always reasons for human behavior and if we are to grow it is imperative to understand them.
Across cultures and time, the family unit has delivered support, well-being, sustenance and security. More or less.
Much has been written about those positives and those negatives. Here, consider a particular negative quality and what might be done about it. Specifically and ironically let’s highlight that sometimes families less resemble the virtue of Sunday School and look more like like the antagonisms of Sunday Football.
That is to say, each family member becomes a team onto itself, competing against, even antagonizing the other: parent against parent, sibling fighting sib, children against parents and parents opposing their own kids. Strategies and alliances develop as one parent sides with one child against the other parent. Or the time honored tradition of a child splitting parental authority, going to Dad for some perks and Mom for others. Me-against-you is a model for the art of war, but not for the art of love.
What is going on? After all, should not the family be for the other members? Why do they so often (angrily) oppose one another? Let’s examine that question.
Imagine this: husband and wife, with a complete lack of humility, debate details of a shared responsibility (something monumental like who took out the garbage last). Each falsely believes that their own memory of the chore is a flawless video recoding of the event: It is definitely your turn! Research on memory suggests that while we are certain of our facts, all of us have a sometimes biased and often inaccurate recollection of events. Remembering that, partners could get a little less haughty, calm down a bit…and flip a coin. And by the way, it is never about the garbage!
We could pause any conflict and the earlier the better. Instead, we might give understanding a try. Not “dammit I don’t understand you” but with utmost sincerity, curiosity and kindness, “I really want to understand you”. Not just the words, but voice tone, countenance and breath. No huffing or puffing, just nice even breath. After all, there may be nothing more debilitating than to feel misunderstood by someone you love.
Parents teach their children everyday. There is modeling and instruction, sometimes softly and sometimes with a firm NO. Avoid creating a me- against-you moment. For example, not caring for the DVD collection could merit a required clean up and consequence: no videos today. But watch that delivery here too. Relax the frustration and edge, because children feel your feelings more than your words. Deliver these consequences with diplomacy and compassion: “no videos today, that will be hard…I hope you will do better tomorrow”. After all, when kids goof up, besides a lesson they need to know mom or dad is on their side.
Being a frustrated parent is hard but not an excuse to blow off steam at the expense of a child. That kind of catharsis is selfish- it might give a parent relief, but we have to do better. Instead, run around the block or chop wood or carry water. Invite the calm and then talk with your kid.
What’s important? That which we value. And reflecting on values is time well spent!
Mindfulness allows for an understanding of priorities in mind/heart and behavior. When these match up it is called values synchrony. And when they are discrepant, values asynchrony. Sometimes there are surprises:
Valuing peace but habituated to conflict. Believing in honesty, but resorting to people pleasing fibs. Valuing integrity, but failing to root out self-deception. Desiring an open mind only to find it shutting down when challenged. Confusing compassion with toxic codependency. These discrepancies invite us to figure things out…and grow.
As individuals form couples, the challenges multiply. Interestingly, many courtships and early friendships over focus on amusement with nary a conversation on what each person truly believes and values.
Beyond the infatuation stage, emergent conflicts may be rooted in those values- that were never discussed. Weekends can become a tug of war on what to do and when, as couples fail to notice different and strongly held beliefs about work, leisure, ambition and relaxation. What happens when one person values adventure over security, when the other holds the opposite view?
Couples often make children and larger families, and when their shared values are in synch these values become the rules, rituals and responsibilities providing the necessary structure to build a family. But conflicting values can promote disagreement, double binds and inconsistency in family operations. One parent says right while the other says wrong. Children become confused and may learn to game the system, pitting parents against each other. Some moms and dads give up and give in to an overly permissive approach. Others resort to authoritarian and rigid controls. The kids from these families suffer the consequences.
So why not take a mindful approach to assessing values now? Notice how mind/heart and behavior are in synch, or not. Seek to understand the values of people important to you. Celebrating common values is no more important than understanding differences. And accepting both.
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