Children talk it up when seeking a path out of responsibility, post-infraction. There flows a river of forgetting, not-knowing (the rule), blaming others, and all manner of excuses based on “the dog ate my homework”. Our social order necessitates life lessons to ameliorate this universal shortcoming. Sometimes scoldings and punishment seem like the reasonable intervention. And sometimes they are.
But if we fail to kindly take the child’s side as we deliver a strong life lesson, the negative affect is retained and the lesson is lost. Think of it this way: loss of a driving privilege may be the ideal consequence for breaking curfew with the family car. But if delivered with parental anger and attitude, there is no learning except “my parents are jerks (or a more colorful expletive)”. Besides, when delivering an agreed upon (think “behavioral contract”) punishment, there is no better time to take the kid’s side: “I am sorry you got home so late: no driving this weekend but you get a fresh start next week and i know you can do better”. After all, in a family shouldn’t we all be on each others side?
Of course, too often we are crazed in opposition to each other. We over-ameliorate irresponsibility, this very human flaw.
Parents blame children for these derelictions. Think of it: a child blames a sibling, then a parent blames the child for wrongly blaming a sibling. The immature schema of blame is never replaced by its mature alternative, responsibility. The starting point of this essay.
When blame dominates a family system, self-blame is inevitable. Unkind punishments from without become self-attacks from within: I am bad, no good, unworthy, even worthless. Ruminations tear at us and tear down ego-structure. We develop mistrust, shame, doubt, guilt, inferiority, and overwhelming confusion. In this instance, personal responsibility fades into the distance as self-blame gobbles up the territory of our everyday life. Children (and adults) become self-piteous, powerless excuse-makers.
Instead, lessons of responsibility are better taught as empowerments: the ability to respond to circumstance. Those lessons run deep and deserve a family dialog that illuminates the causes and effects of our mistakes, even (and especially) those with harm done. No blame. After all, there are always reasons for human behavior and if we are to grow it is imperative to understand them.
A trip to the Cooperstown Hall promotes fame and nostalgia in the world of baseball. Here we will consider fame and nostalgia from another point of view.
Specifically, imagine a place where our very best teachers were honored and permanently housed: The Teacher Hall Of Fame. For many years, college students in human development class were asked to make their nominations to the Hall and explain why the accolade should be bestowed. Such an exercise inspired mild interest if not enthusiasm.
So to warm up to the activity, students were first asked to nominate their very worst teachers to the Teacher Hall Of Infamy. Such catharsis! Hurts, resentments and grudges carried through the decades propelled each nominee: A fourth grade teacher who expertly shamed nine year olds into compliance; A second grade teacher with parts of a fifth grade math curriculum, freezing over the brains of little seven year olds, and adding a dollop of shame (“he even makes his 8’s backwards”); high school teachers of history and literature who droned and drained the life out of the grandest and most horrific tales of fact and fiction. So much of this was like a classroom bloodletting ceremony followed by a curriculum burial. Masters of humiliation, these teachers could sniff out children with no answer to a question and put them on center stage.
And of course, there were the corporal punishment purveyors who rapped tiny knuckles and left no marks.
For many in the human development class, these unforgotten times seemed like a lonely one-off. Many asked “Am I the only one”, only to discover the universality of those awful, awful school days. Then the question would arise: just why were these teachers so bad?
Initial guesses targeted the character and substance of each instructor which fell on a continuum from bad to evil to “better talk about this after class”. But more informed ideas emerged. These teachers did not understand the age-related, psychosocial import of autonomy, initiative, competence and identity. Instead they controlled the classroom by invoking their toxic opposites: shame, guilt, inferiority and identity diminishment.
This all out failure to understand what kids feel was complicated by a failure to understand how kids think. Looking back, many human development students felt misunderstood as kids, with lessons either above or below their cognitive sweet spot. And by the way, how did teachers make The Big Bang boring?
Very young children think in pre-logic like little space cadets for whom the world is magic. Teachers who squelch fantasy in the name of yet to be formed logic harm mind and spirit. By seven or so kids begin to reason concretely: concrete logic…”the early bird, catches the worm” is the tale of a hungry bird! Only later, does abstract reasoning develop…the benefits of good starts and early rising.
Hall Of Infamy nominees failed to understand cognitive processes and that made children feel frustrated, bored and stupid. As adults studying psychosocial and cognitive theory, many students reported the mental calm that comes with a deeper understanding of what happened in those classrooms of old.
That set the stage for the Teacher Hall Of Fame. After the infamous, the Fame nominees were accompanied by stories of laughter and gratitude and praise. The second grade teacher who taught arithmetical borrowing with flair, “they thought I borrowed one cup of sugar but it was eleven cups…Ha!” There was a teacher of social studies, a thespian of an instructor, who impersonated every single one of the famous explorers. And the athletic coach who taught unrecognized at the time life lessons of focus and grit, that were deeply appreciated in subsequent years. There was the teacher that stayed after school with patience and kindness to help with reading.
These teachers understood what the Philosopher meant by “the highest state that can be attained is wonder”. After all, before developing hypotheses, testing them, drawing conclusions and dissemination, before all of that, comes a question, a state of not knowing. Such a state is not a sin as those awful teachers claimed but instead, the beginning of knowledge. The know-it-all-mind has no room for knowledge to enter. Curiosity must be fostered; no bad questions…
Blessings from so many past teachers. Send one a letter; make a call; have a visit. Join with them and celebrate in that Hall Of Fame.
Posted by Dr. Bob under Uncategorized Comments Off on Dot Riders
Riding that pale blue dot. Yet got a flat earth feeling with a wish for solid ground. Just a clown, a root bound pretender.
Sometimes I know better. With every sit asserting the open, uncertain space, the face before parents and the pause between breaths. Where our deaths and the great emptiness reside, inside. And out.
Riding that pale blue dot. My last breath ahead and that first one, so far behind me. Cultivating everyday illusions, and grandiose delusions of you and me and our permanence.
Sometimes I know better and weather the ride till I know, really know. As the great Sage knew. That we are everything and nothing, dot riders always, in love and in wisdom, and into that Kingdom Come.
Long ago an Indian Sage offered up some wisdom into an age-old philosophical dilemma: free will versus determinism.
Most of us enjoy the day-to-day experience of freedom as we choose the time we rise, our fare for breakfast and the route to work or school. Sometimes the multitude of choices may even overwhelm. Consider breakfast and the over-stocked cereal isle at the grocery store-Frosted Flakes or Frosted Mini Wheats? Sometimes, we just choose none of the above.
We also choose our friends and relationships; we choose our career paths and our politics. We become upset, and sometimes choose to lash out and even harm others. Most would agree that we make these decisions and are responsible for them.
But are we truly free? Some behaviorists argue for the profound effects of the environment to influence, if not determine, our actions. And some proponents of biological determinism posit that our physical and mental selves are a function of the physical body and hereditary traits. These influences of nurture and nature, respectively, are briefly mentioned here to set the scene for that Sage cited above.
The karmic principle of cause and effect was central to this Wise Man’s analysis and it aligns with determinism. By this spiritual concept, our seeming choices for setting the alarm, picking breakfast foods and driving routes are not choices at all but an expression of the thousands if not millions of factors that preceded those actions: “everything is predetermined”. Harms to others are an expression of this principle too. Referring to the everyday experience of me as the Ego, one could thus imagine an egoic being, predestined by its nurture/nature past, while just imagining a life of free will. Our suffering emanates from this core delusion. If I am free and do these harms I must be bad. If you are free and do these harms you must be bad. All is unforgivable.
But suppose our nature is two fold. There is the Ego, an expression of nurture and nature, conditioned by both with the illusion of free will. And there is a Self, or Soul or Buddha Nature which exists without encumbered conditioning and in perfect understanding and freedom. Identification with the former invokes a path of suffering; of guilt and grudge, of karma. Identification with the latter is to awaken to that sacred space of freedom and responsibility.
Note the irony. The conditioned and predestined Ego while un-free suffers the illusion of freedom. Our failure to understand that we are all the effect of a myriad of causes promotes endless fault-finding; blame and self-blame. On the other hand, The Self, free by its very nature, is unconditioned and embodies wisdom and compassion. From that perspective, there is deep understanding of the Ego predicament and tenderness over the pain of grudge, resentment and unforgivable acts.
Most of us occupy that Ego space a lot with an occasional glimpse into our True Nature as we experience a little freedom. But maybe that’s enough to understand that somehow we are both free and determined. These experiences are compatible-the compatibilist view. In that space, the free will illusion starts to recede. We begin to understand that the messes of life are karmic and nobody’s fault. In some sense, we all have done what we were destined to do. Nobody’s fault. In and from that space, we all might release and be released from past transgressions. This fragile insight comes and goes at first. The fault-finding Ego is unsatisfied, with last gasps to never pardon and forever condemn self and others.
We persevere and continue to cultivate those synergistic qualities of wisdom and compassion. We contemplate these elements; we chew and swallow the sacrament. Cause and effect wobbles; conditioning corrects to mere ethers. The Old Sage smiles.
We arrive without baggage at the forgiveness impasse again, and prepare to conquer it. But then the unexpected- All causes and effects have disappeared into the Self where the Truth is suddenly upon us. The Truth is that each of us has been natured and nurtured and acted as only we could all our lives. And in this brief, bright moment we understand. No blame.
There is nothing more to do. We are, all of us, already forgiven.
Road rage rages and simple selfish behaviors spew from behind the wheel of those anonymous, 4000-pound hunks of steel, aluminum and plastic. The American Roadway Experience!
Little needs to be written here to explain the challenges of driving in the Twenty-First Century. From adolescence, we all know the stress and madness, and what it’s like to negotiate those frenetic streets and freeways. But, what might we do about it?
First, let’s explore the anonymity of the vehicle itself. We drive and necessarily do not and cannot examine every face and spirit around us. Instead, we see ourselves surrounded, not by fellow sentients, but by soulless machines, completely dehumanized. This kind of cultivated dehumanization is a prerequisite to violence, going to war and other atrocities. Hand me the keys! What could possibly go wrong?
Plenty.
Thank God for the bumper-sticker meditation: “you are not stuck in traffic; you are traffic”. Like a Recovery Program, this is our first step. Powerless over traffic. Not separate from traffic, just part of the situation. We could abandon the delusion that all other drivers are inferior relative to own superb abilities and relax.
Relaxation could begin at every Red Light. Red Light Buddha. Too often, a Red Light is taken as a personal affront; intentional sabotage of our trip or commute. Instead, imagine it signals, like the meditation bell, pure possibility: Focus on the breath, or maybe a mantra, or how about a favorite prayer. Practice. We know we are making progress when there is a slight disappointment as the light turns green. If struggles remain, don’t fret…there will soon be another Red Light opportunity.
Another form of practice presents itself in gridlock. It is customary to aggress during congestion, fighting for every inch of highway. There is the deep commitment to let no car move in front of us, ever. Instead, try another deep breath and kindly gesture (you know which one) for that nice lady or gentleman to merge in front of you…and smile. Fake it till you make it!
More seriously…Stalls and accidents back up traffic. The EMT unit arrives and passers-by alternate between gawking and cursing the delay. If there is such a thing as negative energy, gawks and curses may be more poisonous than tailpipe emissions. Alternatively, pause to truly see the person in harms way. Imagine it to be someone you love… and love this stranger. Send prayers. May they be free from suffering.
No discussion of traffic would be complete without a review of parking lot customs. Searching for a parking space, seeing one, only to have it stolen before we arrive. Thief! As an experiment, drive slowly through the lot and graciously offer a space that rightfully belongs to you (first dibs). Generosity in the parking lot takes a little effort but like most forms of giving, it bestows grace upon giver and recipient. And on a near full parking lot day, try reversing the plan. Don’t seek the closest space to your destination. Find one far away with easy access. Enjoy a comfortable parking experience followed by a brisk, healthy walk!
And invite Red Light Buddha everywhere and always.
The delight of shared opinion has long occupied minds everywhere. Discussion and debate can be intellectually vigorous, emotionally rewarding and just plain fun. Yet, as we examine relatively recent innovations of social media, something has happened to those good debates of old. They now seem more shrill, divisive and mean-spirited than ever. And, truthfully, this post adds just one more opinion on the heap…but please read on.
Of course, we must not succumb to the false nostalgia of some good old days of argued ideas. Let’s stipulate that opposing opinions have had their downside for as long as humankind has held them. After all, one could cite the history of warfare across centuries as an example of opinion and disagreement degrading to savagery. And, mournfully, there is no shortage of armed conflict to this very day.
But our current time and technology has added some new and performative twists to opinions expressed. There is political theater with more bombast than substance; (sometimes empty headed) influencers and podcasters; X and Facebook, and opinions so pervasive, dark and fact-free that one must sometimes run for cover. Meditation recommended.
Before you grab your cushion, a couple of additional observations. The place to start looking at opinions is always with our own. Bias around confirmation is that trickiest of inputs where we screen out opposing views and welcome views that pat our own on the back. None of us has completely conquered self-deception, and those who think they have may be the biggest nitwits of all.
Young kids may be an exception to the problem of opinion. Children represent both the ultimate in egocentricity and innocence. True, that a preschooler knows a lot about me and “mine” (every other object is mine) in their sensory-based world. But it is also true that their purity of opinion can shine forth. What the pre-logical mind lacks in factual discourse is more than made up for by the most holy form of sincerity. See child opinions on Good and Evil; Santa and Monsters, respectively.
The rest of us could exercise some introspection and consider opinion corrupted by three factors: the poisons of Buddhist philosophy.
First reflect upon the greed of opinion as we collect and covet our own, like some miser and a pile of (fools) gold. We squeeze our views with such attachment that counterviews are not entertained except to double-down on our own beliefs. We become not so interested in understanding the other and obsess on the demand, “goddamit, understand ME”.
Next, observe the ill-will of opinion as we put forth our own with frustration, hostility and even hatred toward opposing ideas and the people that hold them. Grimacing countenance, tone of voice and that tight gut-feeling signal our indulgence of aversion toward others.
Finally, take note of the ignorance of opinion too often held with a complete lack of humility. We have to be right in relation to the wrong of the other guy. Imagine the vastness of viewpoints and the tiny, tiny speckle that represents our own. There is a lot we could learn from each other.
Remedy starts with mindful awareness and a life-long self-assessment of points of view. Where we see our own greed, we might bring the generosity of opinion and the suspension of judgment. This is not to retreat to eternal people-pleasing, but instead to fully listen, welcome and appreciate others and their thoughts. In the words from The Prayer Of St. Francis, we could seek less to be understood and more to understand. In fact, the entire prayer goes a long way toward informing the generosity of opinion.
Next, reflect on ill-will and opinion. It is stunning to let that in: a few cacophonous hours of the evening opinion/news, social media or even a family gathering will do. We are tasked with releasing our own aversions and, per that Priere pour la paix, invoking a little kindness and peace. And at that contentious family event, maybe a little love.
Lastly, take a deep breath to appreciate that we occupy Sagan’s tiny pale blue dot and yet suffer the delusion that our own ideas fill the universe. A little humility and with that, a dollop of wisdom, please.
Many of these ideas are not new and some of them are better expressed elsewhere. The Mindfulness Trainings of Thich Nhat Hanh are a good place to pause our attention. Thay’s teaching on the non-attachment to views and deep listening to others are a kind of salve to opinion gone bad.
Across cultures and time, the family unit has delivered support, well-being, sustenance and security. More or less.
Much has been written about those positives and those negatives. Here, consider a particular negative quality and what might be done about it. Specifically and ironically let’s highlight that sometimes families less resemble the virtue of Sunday School and look more like like the antagonisms of Sunday Football.
That is to say, each family member becomes a team onto itself, competing against, even antagonizing the other: parent against parent, sibling fighting sib, children against parents and parents opposing their own kids. Strategies and alliances develop as one parent sides with one child against the other parent. Or the time honored tradition of a child splitting parental authority, going to Dad for some perks and Mom for others. Me-against-you is a model for the art of war, but not for the art of love.
What is going on? After all, should not the family be for the other members? Why do they so often (angrily) oppose one another? Let’s examine that question.
Imagine this: husband and wife, with a complete lack of humility, debate details of a shared responsibility (something monumental like who took out the garbage last). Each falsely believes that their own memory of the chore is a flawless video recoding of the event: It is definitely your turn! Research on memory suggests that while we are certain of our facts, all of us have a sometimes biased and often inaccurate recollection of events. Remembering that, partners could get a little less haughty, calm down a bit…and flip a coin. And by the way, it is never about the garbage!
We could pause any conflict and the earlier the better. Instead, we might give understanding a try. Not “dammit I don’t understand you” but with utmost sincerity, curiosity and kindness, “I really want to understand you”. Not just the words, but voice tone, countenance and breath. No huffing or puffing, just nice even breath. After all, there may be nothing more debilitating than to feel misunderstood by someone you love.
Parents teach their children everyday. There is modeling and instruction, sometimes softly and sometimes with a firm NO. Avoid creating a me- against-you moment. For example, not caring for the DVD collection could merit a required clean up and consequence: no videos today. But watch that delivery here too. Relax the frustration and edge, because children feel your feelings more than your words. Deliver these consequences with diplomacy and compassion: “no videos today, that will be hard…I hope you will do better tomorrow”. After all, when kids goof up, besides a lesson they need to know mom or dad is on their side.
Being a frustrated parent is hard but not an excuse to blow off steam at the expense of a child. That kind of catharsis is selfish- it might give a parent relief, but we have to do better. Instead, run around the block or chop wood or carry water. Invite the calm and then talk with your kid.
Our narrative mind thinks in stories, for better and worse.
Each and everyday we are the subject surrounded by the objects of our lives. These in-the-moment tales occupy the mind’s foreground with the plots and scenes of our protagonist identity in everyday life. We plan and problem solve; process and retrieve all in that foreground…we pay our bills, chat with neighbors and curse a red stoplight all in our here and now story. But there is much more to our personal tale than that.
You see, stories also inhabit the vast background of our cognitive life. The background is ground indeed, with stories rooted deeply into the archetypal soils of our psyche and revealed in the quiet moments of the wandering mind. There are stories upon stories all free-associating from one to another: dialogs, monologues, images, memories. Soft daydreams, challenges big and small, even dramas and tragedies propelled by deep emotion. Our tales review many, many yesterdays and countless imagined tomorrows. This mental autobiography of our past and future selves just seems to come from nowhere…and to there it returns. Careful observation shows multiple, simultaneous stories, disconnected narratives in a cacophony of thought. When the foreground recedes, this background naturally comes up to fill that conscious mental space.
Whether foreground or background some storylines invoke jewels of love, compassion, joy or serenity while others do not. These negative ruminations afflict us all and include fears, attachments, aversions and distortions. They often occur in relation to conflict, tension, trauma or depression. What to do?
Foregrounded ruminations could be captured, analyzed for irrationalities and replaced with logical alternatives in various cognitive restructuring strategies. While helpful, these fledgling positive thoughts may be subsumed in the negative stories that undergird them. After all, it is easier and simpler to swap out a thought than a vast storyline. Somehow we must dig into the background and depths of our narrative mind to honestly retell the troublesome, false and irrational scripts that influence our everyday thoughts.
Practice Some meditation forms relax the storytelling mind. Beginning with acceptance and just noticing the breath. Storylines pass through…and we return to the breath, again and again. There are tiny gaps and even pauses in our narrative streams. It is a good start. And, as we will later discuss, a good finish.
For remediation of these deep, negative storylines, an additional, powerful tool can be brought to bear. We can invoke the ancient Buddhist practice of sending and receiving on behalf of our past and future selves. It is called Tonglen.
This radical practice flies in the face of biologic in-out rhythms for sustenance and breath. After all our life depends upon taking in nutrients and expelling waste. Similarly, for each breath we breathe in oxygen and out carbon dioxide. But this meditation gears all that into reverse as we breathe in the bad, the hot, smoky and toxic…and breathe out the good, the clean, healing and refreshing. Typically and wonderfully this practice is directed toward the aid of others; it can also be directed at our past and future selves. What follows highlights the past, in the form of a Child Self, and the future, in the form of a Dying Self
Imagine this: you sit with a strong erect posture feeling your best Self in the present, the reality of your innate wisdom and compassion, here and now. Feel the vast life-giving Earth below upon which you rest. Then practice this counterintuitive whiff: breathe in the hot, smoky poisons of the World; breathe in our collective greed, hatred and ignorance. Go slow; be wise. It is said the poisons do not get stuck. Take them deeper. See them descending into our compassionate Mother Earth, into the cold, dark soils below where they disperse and nurture new growth. For enduring dreads and atrocities, breathe them deeper down, past the mantle to the fiery core. As if from Shiva’s third eye, let those the flames burn up the poison. Gone. Breathe back to the Earth the jewels of generosity, love and wisdom. Breathe back sunshine, a cool breeze and dogs, tails a wagging.
Pause.
To your left, you visualize a child, your younger self (to start, just at any age that feels right). Next locate a specific negative emotion, often contained in a childhood memory, a story. Lean in to the child’s darkness, heaviness of emotions, tensions and thoughts…and breathe them in, slowly and deeply. As if a loving, brave parent, take on the tears and shames and rages fully. Hold them for a moment, for the child’s pain brings forth the most intimate compassions we could ever know. Now take it deeper, into the Earth, to cold soil or hot core. Gone. And then breathe back to the child the gift of fresh air. Breathe back like a cool breeze with your vow to be mindful- to protect and to nurture that child, always. Finally, exchange smiles, happy tears and love.
Pause.
Next turn your inner gaze to the right. And see yourself in old age, perhaps in sickness. Perhaps near death. Connect to your bravery, to your kindness here and now as you imagine your elder self. Do not look away. As before, breathe in the negative, the regrets, the fear and the resistance-all the way down and into the Earth. Breathe out a basic goodness that has been there all along; what is rational and honest. Breathe in despairs and grudges directed outward and inward, and breathe out forgiveness of others and especially oneself. Breathe in self-judgments and breathe out the karmic wisdom and acceptance of your flawed, wonderful life lived as only you could live it. Breathe in dying aches and pains and breathe out thanks and comfort to this vehicle of blood and bones that carried you every step of the way. Breathe out the radical acceptance of a human life coming to its end, bittersweet, but a jewel all the same. Breathe out integrity. Let go and float. Let go and float.
Pause.
Close as you began with a simple focus on the breath. Allow stories and thoughts to come and go…back to the breath, the here and now. Calming. This simple ending allows these new Tonglen stories to repose and assimilate into our deepest mind.
Over time, our stories retold seem lighter; not so very heavy and hardwired. Poisons recede as Jewels ascend. The child we were and the dying adult we will be receive these new stories with utmost receptivity and gratitude: stories retold in our autobiographical mind.
The poet wrote: Nowhere not, Lost when sought: This Moment.
The present moment…what a gift!
Of course, some would argue that the present moment is all any of us ever experience-it is, after all, “nowhere not”. But what about “lost when sought”-the seeking part. Could it be that we seek ourselves right out of the here and now experience? Maybe.
Sometimes we reject the present. Consider that gnawing feeling that whatever this moment holds is just not quite good enough; or the fear of missing out on other moments; or for many, the nearly constant seek-scrolling through social media.
And seeking is just one way the mind could rob us of this gift. We appreciate that there is the necessity of planning for the future and reflecting upon the past. But these worthwhile pursuits too often become future fretting and rumination over real or imagined past experiences. The present is lost.
One way to understand our dilemma is to remember why so many love trips and traveling. Most of us have experienced the satisfaction, the joy of a trip to a new place. It is educational we think to ourselves; it is cultural or historical or a window into others and their lives. All true.
But maybe there is another point. When we are in unfamiliar surroundings, something happens inside of us all. Senses are heightened. Habits of mind and body disappear to accommodate the excitement and freshness of our journey.
Simply put we are present. Sure there are moments when we become lost in thinking about schedules and tickets, but the novelty of travel alerts us again and again. We are freed from the tyranny of habitual perceptions and thoughts. We are fully, here and now…in whatever new environment we have entered. Besides the joys of new places and people, it is this experience of the present moment that delights us as we travel. So much so that some become quite obsessed with traveling and depressed at the thought of being at home.
These observations might present a slightly different way of looking at our travels and our time at home. Let us make the familiar unfamiliar again! Drop the habitual perceptions of home and see it anew. Acknowledge with gratitude that in an ever-changing universe, our home, backyard and neighbors are a little different every day.
The present, nowhere not…even from the front porch on Thanksgiving.
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